I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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