you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
