Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
