$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize