He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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