Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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