Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
