so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
