She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
