How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
