my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
