hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
