An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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