last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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