My hair reeks of homosexuality.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
