She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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