I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize