How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
