ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
