saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
