Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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