Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it hurts more in the daytime
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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