just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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