Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
