my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
