I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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