Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just google imaged poop.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I have already put on my inside pants.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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