Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
