everyone is single if you try hard enough
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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