happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
