i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
