I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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