listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
