you guys were way drunker than both of me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
