Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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