The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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