when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
