just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
