so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
