Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
