When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
