So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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