plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You may now shotgun with the bride
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
