I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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