I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
