I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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