I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
