Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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