Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
