I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize