i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
