Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
