so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize