Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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