So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I need to sanitize my soul.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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