Plan B is the new Plan A
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
