nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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