I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
