Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
