So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize