You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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